Bungled Billboard Burgaler – 74% Framed

As the saying goes, for every mistake a criminal covers up, there’s two they forget. In the case of this unknown thief from New Zealand, the only thing he did right was to remember to shut off the 50,000 volt transformers before he stole them. Other than that?

1) Photographed in the process.
2) Vengeful victim.
3) Forgot to wear a mask.

Now just because someone wears a mask, it doesn’t mean they did something wrong. Face in Palm means no offense to the mask wearing community at large. But when Mark Venter was given pictures of this man absconding with fifteen of his electrical transformers, he plastered his face all across his business. Which happens to be billboards:

Shouldn’t be too hard to find that face. Did the thief really think gray camouflage would help him under that bright orange vest?

Metro.com —

Enjoy the Silence, Ann Coulter’s Jaw Wire Shut – 36% Divine Intervention

In a perfect example of divine intervention, pundit and bigot Ann Coulter’s jaw is currently wired shut. No word on how she broke her flapper, but there’s a sudden void in talk radio as one of the least rational (or most irrational?) women in the public eye is silenced.

Ooooh it stings!

Fortunately, jaw fractures take nothing but time to heal, just like the wounded pride of everyone this woman has stepped on. Expect to fill slower news cycles over the next one month to one year with something more interesting than her drivel.

And yes, I realize that this isn’t a normal Face in Palm post, but her lack of silence is just as amusing as anything else I could find!

Man Absconds with the Body of Christ – 20% Religious Zeal

Senior parishioners laid the smackdown on Samuel Ricci after he attempted to make off with more than his share of the communion wafers at the St. Martin de Porres Catholic Church in Jensen Beach. Ricci was detained and is being held on $2,000 dollar bond.

According to his haircut, he won’t be posting bail anytime soon.

Ricci, there are much better things to steal when you’re hungry. Communion wafers have the taste, consistency, and nutrition of toilet paper, but they’re less filling.

Chavez and the Beauty Queen – 85% Hilarious

On Halloween night, George and Linda Bush are getting ready for a costume party. She’s putting on the final touches of her witch costume when George jumps out of the bathroom. Naked, except for a potato tastefully wedged on his crotch. Linda demands an answer. Confused, George Bush explains, “Dontcha get it? I’m a Dick Tater!”

Following all things authoritarian, in response to the classy veep candidate Sarah Palin calling Hugo Chavez a dictator, the controversial leader responded in turn. “The poor thing, you just feel sorry for her,” Chavez announced in a televised broadcast on Venezuelan national TV.

“She’s a beauty queen that they’ve pulled out to be a figurehead. We need to say as Christ did: Forgive her, she knows not what she’s saying.”

As a side note, Miss Venezuela did win the 2008 Miss Universe beauty pageant. Chavez knows what he’s talking about.

news.Yahoo.com – Chavez sees Palin as confused “beauty queen”

Bad Husband, Worse Father – 76% Impulsive

NBC Affiliate WBIR out of Knoxville, TN (we’re talking deep south here people) is reporting that an American Red Cross worker, Mark Ciptak, sort of-kind of-maybe named his daughter Sarah McCain Palin in an awkward tribute to the Republican presidential nominee.

“With a clear conscience, even though I know I was kind of going behind her back, I kind of secretly put down Sarah McCain Palin instead of Ava Grace on another set of forms I acquired from the front desk.”

And I quote.. “I kind of secretly..” His wife is going to slaughter him. Slaughter him dead.

And people wonder why the South lost the war. Fortunately, under Tennessee law the name on a birth certificate maybe be changed within one year of birth by filing an affidavit with the court. Looks like this thickheaded gaffe is going to cost Mr. Ciptak some court fees and a lot of public embarrassment. Hopefully he’ll be in his right mind to change it and save his daughter from public ridicule.

At least it’s not as embarrassing as Sex Fruit, or Fat Boy, two names handed out under Australia’s loose naming laws.

–WBIR.com Hear from the man who named daughter Sarah McCain Palin
–Killfile Blog – Stupid baby names

Qwest Victim Scaremonger – 45% Dramatic

Our guest of honor today is humble little Janine Butler of Redmond, Oregon. She’s afriad of the cable guy. Welcome to the fold, I’m scared of tiny spiders and late fees on my credit card, both irrational fears like your own.

Janine and Dave looking tough for the camera.

Local news network KTVZ.com reports that the Butler’s landline was cut during an undisclosed dispute between phone technicians. The cable was not violently torn and left hanging, sparks falling upon unsuspecting cars and children walking puppies down the neighborhood, but disconnected several streets away. Unfortunate for the Butlers, since they don’t seem to be involved in this dispute in any way, but Mrs. Butler seems to love the spotlight a little too much.

And I quote… “This person could come into my home during the day, during the evening time. They could steal, rob, rape. We live in a scary time.”

Huh? Someone doesn’t get enough attention at home… 45% overly dramatic.

–Redmond couple told Qwest tech cut phone line

Josh Howard – 68% Idiot

Josh Howard, the self destructive forward of the Dallas Mavericks, kicks off Face in Palm’s attack on idiots in America. Speaking of America, have you heard that black people don’t honor the national anthem? Neither did I… yet Josh Howard had the stones to announce this at a charity flag football game.

“”The Star Spangled Banner’ is going on right now. I don’t even celebrate that shit. I’m black!”

For a man that scratched out $9 million dollars playing basketball for Dallas last year, Josh Howard sure has it tough living here in America. Mark Cuban, Mavericks team owner, issued a statement in which he taught Josh that “cellphone cameras are not your friend”.

Neither are we Josh Howard. 68% idiot.

Smack in the Middle of Your Mind

Welcome to Face in Palm, a small update in the stupid things stupid people say and do in public. Sports, politics, education, crime, the workplace; if they say it or do it, we’ll mock it.